


Curiosity Killed the Kat

by oceankat8



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Monster Falls, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 22:37:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3954421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceankat8/pseuds/oceankat8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katherine has been wanting to visit the Mystery Shack since she was a kid, and now that she's finally here she's noticing stranger things than just goofy exhibits and overpriced merchandising. And why can't they visit the town? Her husband just wants to leave but Katherine simply can't let a good mystery pass her by...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wear this Blindfold and Come Inside

The Mystery Shack was a nice place with just the perfect amount of mystery and intrigue, Katherine couldn’t wait to see it. She had heard story after story from various aunts, uncles and cousins that had visited on their respective vacations or while traveling. Not a one missed the chance to tell her all about the Shack and the intimidating “Man of Mystery”, how there were fun little exhibits that kids enjoyed and exhibits that left you wondering long after you witnessed them. But no story was complete without mentioning the “Mystery Tour” and of course the giftshop. Katherine herself had always wanted a stuffed Six-pack-alope.

The reason she had never visited before was because of how far away it was. Even something as fantastic as the great Mystery Shack wasn’t quite worth the drive from New York. She had begged every summer as a child for her parents to let her go. Then as an adult she spent her time saving up money for the trip only to use it for the next big emergency. Her chance though, finally arrived in the form of one Joe Delaney.

Joe Delaney was a handsome young man straight from college, much like Katherine herself, with a gentle romantic nature that had her falling in love with him in no time at all. What with his tender jade eyes and the handsome cut of his jaw that she just loved to run her fingers over, especially in the mornings when there was just a hint of stubble.

He was possibly the most handsome man she'd ever met. He had dark brown skin, with thick black hair that he always kept shaved. He also dressed in the most adorable sweaters over his dress shirts. (Her favorite was the yellow one).

The two had gotten married just a couple of weeks ago in a simple yet elegant ceremony, more for their parents than for themselves, and had quickly gotten started on her dream honeymoon; a cross country trip in an RV to visit every small town tourist trap on their way to Gravity Falls, Oregon.

Katherine was so overcome with excitement she had started bouncing in her chair, causing the RV to rock while her husband parked it next to the forest. The Shack itself was separate from the rest of the town, connected by a long road. In fact, according to the map, the only way into town at all was through the Mystery Shack. But there didn’t seem to be much traffic other than the tourists there for the Shack itself.

“Do you think it’s haunted?” Kathrine turned to her husband, still bouncing in her chair. “I mean, it looks exactly how you’d expect a haunted house to look,”

“Sure sweety, I’m positive it’s haunted” Joe appeased, “Why don’t we ask that mystery guy? What was his name again?”

“I think it’s Stan…” She mumbled absentmindedly as she rifled through her purse. “Stanton? Stanley? Stan… Ah! Here it is,” she announced triumphantly.

“Stanford Pines, Man of Mystery” She read aloud as Joe climbed out of the cab and walked around the front to open her side. “Admission fee blah blah etc… oooh I’m so excited!”

“When does it say the tour starts?” Joe asked as he locked up the RV and caught up with his wife, who was practically skipping to the Shack in her excitement.

“2 o’clock,” She grabbed his arm to look at his watch, “Joe! We only have five minutes! Hurry!”

The man let his wife drag him over to the crumbling building. It was probably safe, he mused uncertain. At least they had a handyman. He was currently on the roof, just high up enough that Joe couldn’t discern any details about him other than his general shape. The man could have been entirely made of clay and he wouldn’t even be able to tell. Though the thought of a man made of clay was ridiculous and Joe allowed himself a soft chuckle.

“What are you doing?! Hurry!” Katherine tugged even harder at his arm. He looked back up to where the man had been working, but he must’ve been finished because he was no where to be seen.

The couple quickly got in line for the tour with about eight other tourists and their children. Some of the smaller kids were messing around near the “YOU BREAK IT YOU PAY DOUBLE!!!!” sign. How adorable. Joe and Katherine were hoping for a couple of their own one day, they truly were little rays of sunshine.

A sudden hush fell over the small gathering as the Man of Mystery appeared in a purple cloud of smoke. He was an older man, tall and broad, and seemed to take up the entire room just standing there.

As the welcoming boomed over them, Katherine moved to get a better look at him, the man she’d wanted to meet for so long. He clearly painted his face in a gray tone to match the fake wings he wore on his back, stickers reading “FAKE”, “NOT REAL”, and “DON’T TOUCH” slapped haphazardly on them.

Katherine almost missed it when the tour started moving and they followed him deeper into the Mystery Shack.

They got to feel the famous Six-Pack-Alope’s Six-Pack, put money into a magic bag, bought miniature versions of the World’s Most Distracting Object (Joe’s personal favourite), gazed into the eyes of the Horse-Faced-Harpy-Without-Wings, stand on the edge of the bottomless pit, and last but certainly not least they got to see the majestic…

“Deertaur!” The Man of Mystery announced as the tour group circled around.

“It’s Cervitaur Grunkle Stan” the Deertaur muttered as he picked as the stickers plastered on his deer half reading “FAKE”, “NOT REAL”, “HAHAHA HOW COULD IT BE REAL I MEAN COME ON ~~DEERTAURS~~ _Cervitaurs_ DON’T EXIST!” and “DON’T TOUCH”.

“Shut yer yap kid” he muttered back.

“I’m not a kid anymore…” went ignored as people crowded in closer to take pictures.

Katherine couldn’t wait to get her’s developed! She made sure to take picture after picture of everything she could.

“Remember it’s ten bucks a pic,” their illustrious tour guide reminded as more and more money was shoved his way.

“Grunkle Stan…”

“I’m busy, you can take a break when the tour’s over”

The Deertaur rolled his eyes, he was pretty cute. He looked like he was in his early twenties, so he was probably still in college or just out, either way he was just barely younger than the Delaneys.

He had short brown hair that curled around his tiny little antlers and what appeared to be freckles painted across his cheeks. White freckles. They highlighted his eyes and the soft pout that seemed ever present on his lips, he really was adorable, none of the masculinity that tends to hit boys that age seemed to affect him. He was far too cute for his age though, only small children were allowed to be that precious.

“Feel free to shop in the gift-store at any time!” a voice boomed over the crowd, dragging Kathrine out of her own thoughts and back to the tour. “Sale today! Buy one get another at twice the original price! Today only! Applies to the entire store! Get ’em while you can!”

Oh! A sale! And with that Katherine made her way to the gift-store, her husband trailing right behind. The two loaded up as much Mystery Shack merchandise as they could, including a small snowglobe where the S in Shack had fallen off. How Authentic!

Everyone seemed so open and friendly here, Kathrine thought as she looked around. Well, everyone except the creepy guy in the hood standing next to the Deertaur. He seemed to be whispering something into his ear, causing the young man to roll his eyes and whisper something back. They were probably getting into an argument, he was probably bothering that poor young man as he worked. He just looked like trouble, and where had he come from anyways?

The man was the same height as the deertaur, at least Katherine thought he was, he seemed to gently bob up and down and Katherine couldn’t really tell his height for certain, or what he was standing on. But she could tell that his hoodie was a dark yellow with a brick pattern that had a very strange triangle-eye-thing painted on the back of it, and when she caught sight of it he seemed to straighten and look her way, hood obscuring his face.

This of course made Katherine even more uncomfortable so, flustered as she was, she tried to make her way to to her husband hoping she’d get lost in the crowd and forgotten by him as she was desperately trying to forget him herself.

Creepy men in hoodies aside, Katherine couldn’t wait to visit the town. They were planning on staying a couple of days before starting home and she had to make sure she and Joe were on the same page.

“Honey, about visiting the town-”

“Did you say you were visiting the town?” a voice interrupted her, lowered and full of rough gravel.

“Uh, yes?” Joe swallowed, suddenly conscious of just how large the Man of Mystery really was.

“Don’t.” he commanded, “It’s uh, the roads closed”

“Surely there’s another road?” Katherine parried, sometimes maps left out roads that locals would be able to point out if needed. Maybe he’d be willing to point them in the right direction and they could-

“No”

The conversation must have ended there because he turned his back to the couple and went right back to selling more merchandise to the other tourists.

Katherine just shrugged and made her way towards the cash register to pay. Her husband stumbled after her like a lost puppy, looking over his shoulder as if someone was going to eat him at any moment. Someone like Stanford Pines.

The cashier was as dressed up as the Man of Mystery himself, wearing some kind of fox mask and claws. “Are you a were-fox?” Katherine guessed as her items were scanned twice each and bagged.

“lol, nope. I’m a werewolf, awoof,” She chuckled, “That’ll be $598.72”

“But you’re so red?”

“What can I say? It runs in the family, should see my brothers,” she explained as she counted out the cash back.

“Oh… That’s unique?” Katherine accepted the money, her hands scratching against the cashier’s fake claws. “Thank you”

“Yep, have a nice day ya’ll” She smiled, showing off her impressive fake fangs.

As the couple left the Shack, Katherine couldn’t stop talking about all the exhibits and the different things she wanted to do when they found a way into town. Roads were for the undetermined after all.

The newlyweds went to their RV to settle down for the night, oblivious to the eyes that watched them from the shadows.

“Dude, Stan? I think we might have a problem…”


	2. Don't go into Town

The next morning found the couple back at the Mystery Shack. Apparently they’d been invited for breakfast by Stanford’s great niece.

Maple or something.

The Shack was just as lovely during the day and breakfast was only $50 so the couple accepted and found themselves herded into a small kitchen area where pancakes and some kind of glittery fish-scramble were set out for food.

It was certainly… interesting, Katherine thought as she sat next to her husband. They were just getting comfortable when Stanford,who was already in costume for the day, rolled his niece in and set her next to him at the table.

She was in a wheelchair, her legs covered by a blanket, a thick hat covering her ears, mittens over her hands and a turtleneck sweater covering the rest of her. Poor girls must be freezing to have to wear so much, the only thing showing of her was her face. Her very, _very_ pretty face.

She looked about the same age as the Deertaur from earlier, in fact she looked just like him. She had the same chestnut hair peeking out from her hat and cascading down her back, the same soft jasper in her eyes, her nose was even the same soft rounding shape. A thought occurred to Katherine, that the two could be twins.

“We are actually” she chuckled into her pancakes, “Dipper’s my bro-bro”

“Oh my, I said that out loud didn’t I?” Katherine could feel the blood rushing up to her ears, _how embarrassing_.

“Sure, but no worries really, I know I have a pretty face” She winked and then burst out laughing as Katherine ducked her head into her hands.

“ugh, how much did I say?...” She groaned unable to look her in the eyes, it was one thing to acknowledge a pretty face, but it was another thing entirely to say it out loud, and to that _extent_.

“Not too much…” She tapped her chin as if she were thinking “but I do recall something about sharing my brother’s beautiful jasper eyes and I have to say I disagree”  
Katherine looked up from her hands confused.

“My eyes definitely have at least one-no, two- more sparkles in them than my brother and I’d thank you to recognize that out of the two of us I have the _sparklier_ beautiful jasper eyes, it is one of my prouder triumphs as the Alpha-twin.”

Katherine just blinked at the sight of the young woman’s victory pose,impeded by the fact that she was confined to a wheelchair, until she caught sight of the goofy grin plastered on her face. Katherine began to chuckle and then to laugh and the self proclaimed “Alpha-twin” began to laugh with her which only left her laughing harder and harder until her stomach started cramping and she no longer made any sounds beyond the faint gasp for air.

She was finally starting to come down when she caught sight of her husband, looking at her like she’d grown two heads and she was right back where she started gasping for air like a fish.

This of course left any decent table conversation to her husband, who apparently had some form of etiquette when it came to dining at another's home. Who knew?

“So are we going to be seeing your great nephew today? We’d love to meet him out of costume” though the question was directed at Stanford, his niece froze as well.

The previous warmth of the room seemed to drain away as the question hung unanswered.

The Pines looked between each other they seemed to be trying to have a silent conversation, and failing if the angry whispers were anything to go by. Finally, after a sharp glare to her, what did the boy say before, grunkle? She turned back to the couple and plastered on a smile, perfectly straight teeth twinkling in the dim light.  
“Heh uh no… he’s, well he’s busy-”

“Moss-Frogs! He’s gathering moss-frogs for the shop!” Stanford cut in suddenly “Very dangerous, important work and we’re grateful he’s willing to do it as he’s the only able-bodied family member in the Shack, right Mabel?” Ah, her name was _Mabel._

“Yes, that is exactly what is going on and the exact reason you cannot see him” Mabel stated icily.

“See? So uh, sorry. Maybe next time.” He apologized as Mabel pulled him aside slightly.

“Moss-Frogs?!” she hissed

“What, You say something next time”

“I was going to!”

“Then be faster next time!”

“I was _trying_ to think of something _believable_.” She scoffed “ _Moss-Frogs”_

“Excuse me?” Joe interrupted their hastily whispered argument “if your brother, or uh great nephew,doesn’t want to see us he’s under no obligation-”

“Oh no, he’d _love_ to see you!” Stanford was quick to reassure.

“Yeah! It’s just the… Moss-Frogs” she cringed, trying to follow her grunkle’s lead.  
“Dangerous things”

“We’ll be lucky if he makes it home alive!”

“I see…?” Joe didn’t see.

“You know my bro- oh wait I guess you don’t, sorry”

The conversation just kinda trailed off into an awkward silence after that, the only sounds being Stanford’s loud chewing and the creaking of Katherine’s chair as she rocked awkwardly side to side as she ate.

Breakfast went on like that for a while, Stanford and Mabel would explain things in tandem, bouncing between each other as they answered or dodged each of Katherine’s many questions. That is, until she started asking about the wierdo in the hoodie.

The phone started ringing.

“If you’ll excuse me” Stanford stood from the table, “I have to take this.”

With his exit the atmosphere of the room seemed to lighten and Mabel took it as her cue to lean forward and explain,

“You’ll have to excuse my grunkle, he’s not exactly on good terms with Bill”

“Bill?” Katherine asked, her curiosity getting the better of her yet again.

“Yeah, the guy you were talking about? His name is Bill Cypher. He’s a bit of a jerk, but he’s, well he used to be a lot worse before… _well_. He spends a lot of time with Dipper, which means he’s at the Shack a lot. And he’s supposed to help us… er- I mean he doesn't really have anywhere else to go? Yeah…” Mabel trailed off, picking at the sparkly glob of fish on her plate.

“Very interesting. Thank you for the food, and the talk, if you’ll tell your grunkle we’ve left when he returns? We have a very busy day planned” Joe declared as he and his wife started clearing their places from the table.

Mabel sat up in her wheelchair, “Busy?! Wha-why? Are you leaving? Surely you’re not planning on going into the forest?” she squeaked.

“No, no.” Joe tried to calm her back down “We just wanted to see the town-”

“WHAT?!” It didn’t work. Mabel scrambled forward, as much as she could anyways, “You-you can’t! It’s uh… closed! Can town’s be closed? Yes- The road’s closed!”

“We Know” Joe sighed

“Really?”

“Stanford told us earlier, we’ll just have to find some other way, perhaps through the woods?”

“NO! No that’s even worse, the woods are so dangerous!”

“I suppose you’re right” Mabel almost collapsed in relief as Joe agreed,“Come on honey, it’s time we go”

Leaving the young woman behind, the couple walked towards the gift-store and lingering near the “Employees Only” sign.

Stanford was having a hushed conversation on the phone and they didn’t want to interrupt so they just waited by the door as he mumbled into the phone.

“Yes, I know Fiddleford, just, put the kid on the phone would ya? You’re never gonna remember this… kid? Hey, yeah remember those two tourists from yesterday?”

“Look I don’t want to hear about your boyfriend, I- yes those two… I don’t know if they are or _not_ , that’s the problem. Look they were talking about, yes _that_. Soos overheard them and- okay just do procedure J okay? Just to be safe. What do you mean which one’s procedure J?! Which one do you think it is?!” A large sigh drifted through the wood of the door.

“Yes, that one. _I know it’s inconvenient, do it anyways_. You should only need to keep it up for a couple of hours anyways… yeah, yeah… I’ll get back to you when it’s safe. Blah blah mushy mushy bye”

There was a click and the two eavesdroppers took that as their cue to enter, scrambling into the gift-store quickly. Stanford was nowhere to be seen.

The couple looked around, surely someone as large as the Man of Mystery couldn’t just vanish. But their search was fruitless, and they had wasted enough time already. So they just shrugged and left the building, Joe brushing past a large statue next to the phone.

“I do wonder what is wrong with the road that everyone is warning us against it” Katherine mused as they began walking into town, unwilling to bother driving their unwieldy RV, especially if there was a closed road to worry about.

“I haven’t the faintest” Joe replied as he started to whistle to himself.

“I do so love quaint little towns, you know”

“I know”

It turned out there wasn’t anything wrong with the road at all, and the entire journey was a simple and pleasant walk for the couple. By the time they had gotten there though it was well past noon and well into lunch time, and the couple chatted excitedly about finding a diner or some such that they could eat at.

But it was only when they got well into the town when they noticed how empty it was. And not the usual “There’s hardly anyone here because it’s a small town” empty either. It was completely empty. Spooky empty.

Ghost town empty.


	3. Try the Food, It's to Die for

Katherine shivered as they walked through the deserted town. There was absolutely no one to be seen, almost as if the people that lived there just disappeared suddenly. 

Stores still sporting open signs were abandoned, lights still flickering. But when the couple entered any of them they were just as empty as the rest of the town, no customers, no sales people, nothing. 

Joe checked his watch, an expensive Rolex he got from his father as a wedding present, it was just past noon. The couple were getting hungry, they didn’t think the town would be empty, so naturally they didn’t think it would be difficult to get food.

They eventually came across an old, dusty diner that looked almost as run down as the Mystery Shack itself with a neon sign in the window that almost spelled out open. 

Joe looked at Katherine and shrugged, it was worth a try.

The door’s bell dinged as it opened and the sound echoed through the empty diner. It looked like they were out of luck. 

The couple was just about to leave to find somewhere there was people when they heard a soft static and frantic whisperings followed by an elderly woman greeting them out of seemingly nowhere. She was even wearing a waitress uniform.

“HELL-O. HOW CAN I HELP YOU THIS FINE DAY?” The woman almost shouted at them, likely due to loss of hearing in her old age. She was wearing a thick blue hat, matching eyeshadow, and had long sharp nails. She also happened to have whiskers, and be covered, head to toe, in hair. 

“Yes, we’d like a table for two and your lunch menu if it wouldn’t be any trouble” Joe quickly replied, shocked at having found a person, and such a strange one in the abandoned town. 

“NOT AT ALL SWEETY,” The waitress made a waving motion with her hand, “RIGHT THIS WAY”

The diner looked just as old and worn inside as it did outside, but it was also clean and well kept. It looked like the place locals would regularly come for meals or pancakes, and yet not a soul was in sight, as if everyone had dropped what they were doing and left.

The waitress led them to a small booth away from the door , or any windows, and started setting the table for them. Katherine looked around, all she could see was the interior of the diner, the entire town could be overrun with monsters and she wouldn’t even have a clue.

Once the two were settled they ordered a water with no lemon for Katherine and a sweet iced tea for Joe. After the waitress left, Joe leaned toward his wife, 

“Doesn’t she look a bit-”

“Don’t. Don’t you say another word”

“What? I was just gonna-”

“I know what you were going to say and you have no right to comment on that woman’s appearance. She’s doing the best she can, and you should know better.” With that, Katherine went back to studying the menu.

The very- very strange menu.

“Catnip and tuna sandwich? Blood orange juice O- through AB+? What’s with this menu?” Katherine whispered furiously to her husband.

“It’s probably just some Halloween gimmick that they haven’t managed to get rid of-”

“In July?!”

“Ah look, see?” Joe diverted her attention to the menu again, “Large Steak. Perfectly normal. In fact I think I’ll order that.”

“But it only comes raw”

“Lots of people like their steak rare, I hear it has more flavour that way”

“yeah, rare Joe, not raw.”

“Fine, what about the coral and shellfish salad? I’m sure that’s good”

“...okay, but if I get salmonella or something it’s on your head”

Their discussion was interrupted when the waitress came back with their drinks. She set them down on the table and then proceeded to take out a pad and pen to write down their orders.

“SO WHAT’LL IT BE?” she poised, pen in hand. 

“Well” Katherine looked back at her menu, nothing seemed edible but she didn’t want to just leave and waste the poor lady’s time either “I’ll have the canarie and tilapia mash, seasoned with ground marrow?”

“EXCELLENT CHOICE” The woman used her hand to lift her eyelid up and down in a grotesque motion before saying “WINK” to her horrified customers and leaving Katherine with even less appetite than she had before.

“AND FOR YOU CUTIE?” She turned to the husband.

“What’s your soup of the day if you don’t mind me asking?”

“NOT AT ALL! IT’S GROUND PEBBLE AND WET CLAY WITH OUR SPECIAL SOIL CRUMBLE ON TOP” She did the strange waving hand motion again, and Joe had to scoot further into the   
booth to avoid getting smacked by it.

“Okay then, I’ll just go with the scarab beetle spaghetti then”

“WE’RE ALL OUT OF AGED CEREBRUM, WHICH REPLACEMENT SAUCE WOULD YOU PREFER?”

Joe smiled internally, that was the one part of the meal he was the most on the edge about. “What other kinds do you have?”

“WELL THERE’S THE BASIC O+, WET CEMENT, POWDERED SEAWEED IN SALTWATER- THAT’S MABEL’S FAVOURITE ALWAYS ADDING GLITTER TO THINGS THAT GIRL, PUREED WOLFSBANE, BLESSED HOLY WATER-BUT WITH THAT YOU EITHER LOVE IT OR YOU TURN TO ASHES AND BURN AT IT’S TOUCH, AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE… FRESH SLUG”

Joe gulped.

“I think I’ll just take the …" Joe paused "You know, I think I’ll have it without sauce. Thank you”

“THAT ALL?”

“Yes?”

“I’LL BE RIGHT OUT THEN, Y’ALL JUST WAIT RIGHT HERE” and with that she scooped up their menus and scurried back to the kitchen.

“This place just keeps getting weirder” Katherine whispered to her husband as she reached for her glass of water.

She was bringing it to her lips, and just about to take a sip when she was interrupted by a strange, and slightly obnoxious, voice. 

Katherine lowered her glass as she looked up at him. It was the hooded man from the Shack, his face obscure in the shadow of his hood as if no light was allowed to pierce the darkness where his face should be. But if Katherine tried hard enough she could just barely make out a single eye, open, ominously. 

“C- can we help you?” Joe stuttered.

“Why yes you can Rolex, thanks for asking!” There was a glint of teeth in the shade of the hood, was he grinning?

“You see, you’re not supposed to be here. You don’t belong here. And really I couldn’t care less if a couple of tourists disappeared never to be seen again, but unfortunately it’s a breach of contract and I really hate breaking deals. So I have to at least try. You know ‘to the best of my ability’ and such.” He shrugged, then he picked up Katherine’s water as if he had ordered it himself and drank it not stopping until the entire glass was completely empty. 

Then he pulled out a yellow handkerchief with an embroidered eye in the middle and dried the glass completely. Not a single drop of water was left we he set it back down in front of her.

“Didn’t want you drinking that now did we? Now learn to take a hint and scram would you?” He chirped while fixing his bowtie. Did people even wear those with hoods? Next she’ll notice him wearing some kind of top hat. 

When he was done preening himself, he strode off and left the poor couple alone to await their waitress’ return with their “food”

After lunch the couple found themselves horribly sick, having discovered the food’s descriptions were not jokes. Joe had excuse himself multiple times to the bathroom, increasingly thankful he’d refused any extra sauce of any kind, his food was certainly grotesque enough. Katherine was just mad the jerk drank her water, and apparently said something to the waitress too. When she had asked for another water the woman had come back with a soda and told her they were out. Out of tap water.

The couple walked as quickly as they could back to the Shack, still uncomfortable and trembling from the unexpected encounter and the sheer emptiness of the town. At least at the Shack everything was a simple gimmick put on by Stanford and his family and not… well.

It seemed to go faster on their way back and before long they found themselves at their RV near the edge of the forest, arguing about what to do next. Katherine wanted to stay, figure out where everyone was, and Joe just wanted to get as far away as possible and put the whole thing as far behind him as possible. 

Eventually it got late and they had to postpone the discussion until the next day, both of them silently deciding to act in the morning. 

As Katherine tucked herself into her husband’s arms and under the warmth of their shared blankets she looked over his shoulder out the window. There was a full moon hanging in the sky and the air felt heavy and ominous. She could just tell, something was wrong here. 

They fell asleep to the sound of howling wolves.


	4. Nice Little Stroll Through the Forest

The smell of warm pancakes and the soft sizzle of frying eggs gently nudged Katherine awake. Blindly reaching out of the warm cocoon of blankets Joe had left her in she found one of his larger shirts, wrapped herself in it, and figured she was appropriately dressed enough to leave the bed. She slowly made her way to the main room of the RV where she found her husband working in the kitchen to make a small breakfast for the two of them.

“If you’re trying to get on my good side this is the way to do it,” Katherine leaned into kiss him as he finished plating her food.

“Mmmm are those blueberry?” she whispered as her husband hugged her from behind, wrapping his arms around her and tucking his chin into her shoulder.

“Your favourite” he mumbled into her ear “And they’re glitter-free just for you”

“Perfect”

“Just thought you’d like some real food after yesterday” Joe steered her towards the table and sat her down in front of a large plate of mouth-watering, and more importantly edible food

“Ah, yes. Now I remember why I married you.”

“It wasn’t my good looks and easy-going attitude?” Joe backed up, over exaggerating an affronted expression and placing a hand over his heart.

“Nope, just your cooking” Katherine chuckled. He just rolled his eyes and sat across from her, digging into his own food.

“As painful as that is to learn,” he took another bite of pancake, “I’ll let it go for now because we have to hurry up and eat or we won’t make it to the next town before sundown and I don’t like driving this thing in the dark”

Katherine stopped mid bite, fork hovering in the air.

“Katherine, sweetie, we _are_ leaving” Joe’s voice raised a few octaves as she set down her fork and shifted uncomfortably, cheap leather squeaking against the exposed skin of her upper legs.

“We can’t leave, not yet”

Joe seemed to deflate completely, what hope he had cooked up along with breakfast had vanished with those five words. They were so close to getting out of this looney, psychotic town and his wife wanted to _stay and ask questions._

_“Why”_ he whined, petulant in an almost comical way. Katherine felt bad keeping him here, but she wasn’t about to leave when she felt she was just on the cusp of discovery. Maybe if she kept poking, kept prodding, she’d get the answers to the questions she’s been asking. Or maybe she’d get stung.

But wasn’t adventure worth the risk? After all, curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back… right?

She looked at her husband, he was clearly scared of whatever was going on in this town. Lack of understanding breeds fear, if they could somehow find a way to understand then he would no longer be afraid, it would be a win-win situation.

A new determination filled her and she looked back up at her husband.

“Oh no, no no no I don’t like that look. You remember that hooded psycho- disappear, missing- never to be seen again?!” He was shaking again, memories from yesterday coming back. Unfortunately that wasn’t the only thing from yesterday coming back.

“If you’ll excuse me” Joe managed, hand pressed against his wrathful stomach, then he was sprinting his way out of the RV and towards the outhouse next to the Shack.

Katherine waited to the count of ten before sprinting into their shared room and dressing quickly. She had never personally gone on an adventure but her father enjoyed watching Indiana Jones and she had gone on a hike or two with her husband. Even if she could never quite fall in love with hiking the way he did, she could definitely fall in love with _adventuring_. And those were two very different things.

First thing first though, she tied her hair up in a tight ponytail so it wouldn’t get in her way and put on her fishing hat. It was _similar_ to an Indiana Jones hat, except it was bright pink and had KAT embroidered on the front of it in blocky lettering. But she figured the important thing was that it blocked the sun and that was what a fishing hat was supposed to do.

Next she put on her sports bra and a tank-top. Indiana Jones can go out in long-sleeve button ups all he liked but it was over eighty degrees outside and Katherine was not about that. She did put on jeans though, the last thing she needed was to brush a bare leg against poison ivy and have to live with _that_ regret for a week.

She even borrowed her husband’s hiking boots, tucking some extra cloth in the toe of each to help the fit. She felt like a true and authentic adventurer by the time she was finished.

She was just leaving the RV when she saw her husband walking back from his own _adventure_.

When he saw her he started jogging, when she saw him she started sprinting. He started screaming her name just as she made it to the tree line and the blinding sunlight was replaced by soft streaks tumbling through the branches of the trees.

The forest was beautiful.

Tall pines towered over her and gorgeous green grass crunched softly under her boots. It was more and more amazing the further Katherine walked. She could even hear the soft trill of birds and out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw a squirrel run its way up the trunk of one of the older trees before disappearing. Everything one would expect from a normal forest.

But Mabel had said there was something strange in this forest and Katherine was going to find it.

 

 

Joe was freaking out. Not normal on a hike and saw a bunch of baby roadrunners freaking out or going antiquing and finding the perfect center piece for their new dining room table and freaking out. No.

This was body frozen, eyes wide and searching the forest edge frantically for any sign of that ridiculous pink hat before squeezing shut forcefully, losing any energy to hold his head or body up and desperately trying to think of anything that wasn’t his wife in the forest. The forest of trees towering above him, the one that had just swallowed the woman he loved in it’s dark shadows without a single sound as he shouted his voice hoarse. Of how she was alone in the forest that literally  _everyone_ had warned against going to.

This was clutching at his chest as he tries to measure his breathing but failing and slipping into what a third party observer would recognize as hyperventilation, but only noticing a steady lightening of the air around him until the edges of his eyes were going dark and he lost whatever battle he was fighting.

As he slipped into unconsciousness he could only think that whatever trouble Katherine was getting into and how he wouldn’t be able to save her.

 

 

Katherine was having the time of her life. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d been so overwhelmingly at peace. She almost wished Joe were with her, but he’d probably ruin it and insist that they go back to the RV and get out of town, or start hyperventilating or something.

And she didn’t want him to worry. Besides wasn’t the whole point of trying to figure out the town so that Joe wouldn’t be scared anymore? He did get scared quite a bit.

Maybe if she showed him this place was nothing to be scared of he’ll be less inclined to be scared of other places in the future?

Katherine stepped over a protruding root, covered in a soft purple moss, what a lovely color. Moss didn’t come in purple in New York. Maybe there’s just more types of moss in the more rural areas. She looked around, in the distance she saw a few trees covered in a darker red moss.  _Cool._

Katherine kept walking until something else caught her eye, nothing seemed to really stick out, other than that really annoying rattling sound that seemed to be following her around. At one point she almost stumbled upon a large group of children playing with their dad.

It was adorable, the way they seemed to climb all over him. She didn’t want to disturb them though so she didn’t get close enough to make out any of their faces, just that they wore a lot of red, and they ignored the warnings not to go into the forest just like she did.

Clearly the forest isn’t as ominous nor dangerous as the locals wanted them to believe, especially if a man felt comfortable taking his family on a trip through it.

Katherine kept musing to herself as she came across a stream winding through the trees and bubbling it’s way over smooth stones as if it had a mind of its own. Katherine knelt down to get a good look at the crystal clear water, her throat suddenly dry and begging for a drink.

“Good thing I brought this Gatorade,” she mused aloud to herself, “who knows what’s in that water”

She twisted the cap off and took a few sips of the Gatorade (It was a blue one she'd slipped from the RV's fridge), just enough to quench her thirst while leaving more for later when she’d probably need it. Then she walked the edge of the stream to try and find someway to get around it, she didn’t want to get wet after all. These were her special adventuring clothes, and denim was super uncomfortable soaked.

Eventually she found a series of stones that crossed the stream and she could probably live with explaining to Joe why his new-ish hiking boots were now wet (and probably going to be covered in mud if she continued exploring). But just walking across seemed so _boring_ , and about two paces back she’d seen a really thick vine and if there was anything she’d learned from watching action movies it’s that female characters are disposable and only used for the male gaze, but the second thing is that if you want to cross a river you swing across on a vine.

So that’s exactly what she did.

And she has the scrapes, bruises, and slightly oozing cuts to prove it too. Because after she tugged on it to test its sturdiness, backed up to take a running start, and leaped over the bubbling little brook with the help of her tiny little vine, it snapped and she went flying. Luckily she landed on the other side in a pile of dry pine needles and was able to avoid the wet denim problem after all.

In fact, as she looked back the stream she had worked so ardently to avoid was nowhere to be seen.

She must have flown pretty far!

That vine idea was pretty awesome, in fact she would be patting herself on her back if she wasn’t distracted by the large crystals protruding from the ground in front of her. There were dozens of them in all sorts of different sizes, light bouncing between them and painting the clearing in its vibrant color.

She’d never seen so many crystals in one place before, it reminded her of the RPG games her cousins play where they have giant fields of magic crystals that one could harvest and use for spells or quests or stuff.

_It’s a shame these crystals aren’t magic_ , Katherine thought as she picked one up in the shade of a tree and studied it. Nothing seemed to happen as she turned it over in her hand, no unnatural glowing or strange markings. These were just normal crystals.

Katherine noticed a small spider crawling over the crystal in her hand and a pterodactyl-like screech left her as she sent the crystal flying to the middle of the clearing where it caught on some of the sunlight before landing softly in the grass. She almost went after it, but she noticed a significantly _larger_ spider crawling on it once it landed and there was no way she was going anywhere near that.

Katherine saw a few other, non-spider animals walk through the clearing, and marveled at the powers of perspective as she saw what appeared to be a tiny deer. Of course it was just really far away, but sometimes it was fun to pretend.

She decided that it was the perfect place to show Joe if she wanted him to stop being scared of this wonderful place, but for now she needed to actually find something _weird_ about this forest. And find out exactly what kind of wildlife it is that keeps making that rattling sound.

As she trekked further into the woods, she missed the soft clop of hooves that sped away from her and towards the Shack.

 

 

 

 


	5. In Which Things Now Start to Go Wrong But Haven't Quite Gone Wrong Yet

Joe slowly fought his way to consciousness, forcing his eyes open as they adjusted to the underwhelming light of dusk.

 _Crap_ , he thought to himself as he forced air back into his lungs, _I must’ve passed out_.

Memories from the morning slowly filtered back to him, it was all going rather well until he left Kat alone, then she ran off into the forest like some Rick O’Connell wannabe. He’s never going to let her watch another action movie again, otherwise they’ll be travelling to London next in fitted suits asking for shaken (not stirred) martini cocktails and he’s just not ready for that.

When his head stopped feeling like a herd of elephants was tap dancing around on it, Joe started getting up and heading to the trailer. Surely she’d be back by now, with all those adventure movies she’s seen she had to have at least seen _one_ horror movie right?

Joe felt a cold dread settle in his stomach.

 

 

 

Katherine didn’t really notice when the sun went down, she was too far in the forest where light barely filtered through and all she had to navigate by was her own flashlight. Twigs cracked under her shoes and bugs either flew past her or landed on her only to be swatted off with her hat, which she took off when she started sweating enough to make any pig jealous. She kept her grip on her empty Gatorade bottle though, never knowing if she’d come across another clear creek winding its way through the trees.

She never thought adventuring would be this hard. Movies made it look so much easier. Movie sweat looks all attractive and shiny, her sweat is just sticky and smelly. Joe was gonna kill her.

_Is it getting warmer?_

Katherine stopped as the realization washed over her. It’s supposed to get cooler at night, but it seemed to only get less so the longer she went along this path, how _curious_.

She was filled with a sudden burst of energy and sprinted her way towards the source of the heat, all exhaustion forgotten.

 

 

 

Joe had looked through the entire RV, granted it wasn’t much, but Kat just wasn’t there. She wasn’t anywhere. So he’d snatched the bottle of Smirnoff from the cabinet and sat down at the table they hadn’t bothered to put away in the middle of the kitchen area.

Joe took a single swig of the vodka and winced as it burned going down his throat. _It tasted just as awful as he remembered_.

There were things he could do, options.

Option one; go to the mystery Shack and tell the large, intimidating (and probably a felon) Stanford Pines that his wife had run into the forest despite all warning against it and that she had done it because they had gotten into an argument after _visiting town,_ you know that _other_ thing you told us we should absolutely not do-

No.That one is no good…

Option two; wait until his wife comes home, unless she doesn’t come home and he waits night after night, listening to the howling of the wolves and the hooting of the owles until he fades away himself, becomes an attraction for Stanford’s terrifying Mystery Shack or some unfortunate local stumbles upon her rotting corpse in the woods having been scavenged by-

Nope, nuhuh. noooooo….

Option three; follow her into the woods, get swallowed by the trees, stalked by animals that exist only in the shadows and bugs the size of volkswagens. walk and walk in circles following paths that don’t exist in the vain hope that he may or may not cross his wife’s and take her home _alive and in one piece_. Instead of stumbling across what was left of her in person-

oh..okay noooo.

Option four; call the local police. Really the only option that makes any sense at all, why didn’t he just think of this sooner?

He put the Smirnoff away, it wouldn’t do to get drunk in front of the police. Police were risky business already.

Joe took a deep breath before dialing and waiting. The phone’s ringing was the only sound in the RV for a few moments before a soft click interrupted and a man’s voice answered, er two men’s voices answered...

“Sheriff Blubs here-”

“and DepuTTE DURLAND!!”

“he he and you too, you are _precious_ ”

“yoooHHOOOO”

“What can we do for you?”

Joe was caught off guard at the unprofessional and friendly tone and it took him a second to reply with anything that could be considered words and what instead came out was a dull “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

“Hello? Is this McGucket? Did you forget what you were doing again?” The deeper voice spoke with clear exasperation.

“Um, no I’m Joe”

“Hiya Joe!” came the more obnoxious voice, equally loud through his phone. Did they have it on speaker on something? Was that even legal?

“Well, what can we do you for Joe?”

“I, uh, My wife.. she left-”

“Man that is rough” High Pitch sympathized.

“You wanna talk about it?” Low Pitch added.

“...Not like that, I mean she went into the forest and-”

“Ah I get what you mean, you’re probably worried since it’s her first time or something am I right?”

“What?”

“Don’t worry, that time of the month happens to _everyone_ ” Low Pitch explained.

“Yeah! Runnin’ around chasing squirrels up trees, spreading your wings… It’s Wonderful!” High Pitch jumped in, clearly excited about something.

“No _you’re_ wonderful” Low pitch... flirted?

“No- guys, My Wife-”

“Don’t worry about it, she’ll be home soon, witching hour hasn’t even started yet, give her some time”

_Click_

 

 

 

 

It was a Hot springs. Forget the clearing with the Crystals, Katherine was definitely taking Joe here first, it was wonderful. It was also a little distance away from any trees and pretty dark outside so she was probably horribly, horribly lost, but at least she’d found what she was looking for right?

She wasn’t dumb enough to strip and jump in (she’d watched enough comedies about that at least) but she did take off her shoes and rest her feet in the warm water, soothing them in the natural heat of the pool.

It was actually quite relaxing, she even used her hat as a makeshift rag to wipe away her sweat as she soaked it in the water and swept it across her brow. _Adventuring was nice._

She just kind of sat there for a bit, her jeans rolled up past her knees, socks tucked into her husband’s shoes, feet and shins soaking in water as she gently massaged them, and the wind warmed by the steam rising from the pool and gently blowing past.

She must have dozed off at some point because before she knew it she was joined by someone.

And boy was he… Something.

He was really tall, like really tall, Katherine couldn’t get a good estimate because he was submerged in water but if she had to guess she’d say he was at least 20 feet tall.

She’s a really bad guesser.

And he was covered in hair, like one would expect a dwarf to be, except he was clearly too tall to be a dwarf since he was at _least_ 32 feet tall. But he had an huge full beard that any dwarrow would be proud of that covered about half of his 50 foot tall body, or Katherine assumed it would have, but again, he was submerged in water.

But he was also _ripped_ , this man was 74 feet of tan, tough, muscle. If you were to picture the most hyper masculine man’s-man possible, you could only attempt to picture this 86 foot god, he even had the symbol for mars tattooed on the thickest part of his deltoid, as if everytime he flexed he gave penance to the god of overcompensation.

Looking over at the 92 feet of hair, muscle, and likely daddy issues Katherine was suddenly eternally grateful she had found her husband, and that he did not strive to be anything like…. that.

But apparently she had been staring too long because she caught his attention,

“What are you?” He asked in a deep gravelly voice, eyes narrowed with suspicion.

“A woman?” She replied, confused by the question. They were all human here were they not? Other than being 122 feet tall, this other man seemed to be human as well…

“What? A wo- _man_? As in not a man?” The concept seemed to confuse him.

“As in a girl? Female? Two X chromosomes and estrogen?” The man froze in place before slowly turning a bright red, the blush crawling across the entire expanse of his body to the tips of his ears. Had he never seen a girl before?

“wha-I er….” He stammered on like that for a few minutes and Katherine used the distraction to dry of her now wrinkly feet, roll down her jeans, and slip back into her husband’s oversized boots.

“Look buddy, I just need to get back to my husband and unfortunately you’re the only human being I’ve seen in hours so is there any way you can point me back to the Mystery Shack from here?

This seemed to knock him out of his trance and he reared up to his full 204 feet and he posed in an almost Roman Statuesque manner that had Katherine giggling into her hand.

“Fear not fair maiden! For I a MAN, shall guide you home!”

Looks like she was right about overcompensating.

 

 

 

 

Joe was pacing. There was nothing he could do… the police here were clearly incompetent and too enamored with each other to even put the phone off speaker. He couldn’t get half a word in against them! But the other options…. no.

He loved his wife, he loved his wife a lot.

But sometimes he really wanted to smack some sense into the back of her head.

If she was half as terrified as he was of these people they wouldn’t even be in this situation! They could be halfway out of Oregon if he had his way! They could even be at a beach! They could literally be _anywhere but here_.

Joe sighed, It looked like he really had only one option left.

He went through the trailer until he found his flashlight, it was the most powerful one he could find at the Walmart back home, but it was still pretty meager.Then again, he never thought he’d be doing a search and rescue for his wife in the woods in the middle of nowhere Oregon.

Then he grabbed his phone in case she decided to call him, and took a deep breath. And then he took another deep breath and thought of calming thoughts like baby kittens and hamsters eating miniature burritos and how beautiful Katherine had looked on their wedding day as he desperately tried not to pass out _again_.

Then he entered the forest.

 

 

 

 

Katherine made it out of the forest without incident following the (Apparently he’s only eight and a half feet tall but that is still ridiculously tall okay) Man. Unfortunately they didn’t see anything else on their way out, but she’d seen enough interesting things on her way in that she felt she had enough stories to tell her husband for at least a fortnight.

Or until he got sick of them. But she was excited to get back to the RV, kiss her husband, eat whatever he made for dinner, and go to sleep. Yes, that sounded wonderful. Chutzpar, the _Man_ , had disappeared back into the forest when she dismissed him. He was probably one of those wilderness nuts, part of the whole masculine thing.

Whatever.

She slammed open the RV door and sing-songed into the empty rooms.

“Honey I’m home! You’ll never guess what I…”

Katherine trailed off when she realized her husband wasn’t appearing from the bedroom, or the bathroom, or the backroom. He wasn’t making dinner, waiting for her in good faith knowing that she’d be home safe. He wasn’t curled up in bed reading his most recent book expecting her to turn up any second.

She looked at the counter where they had plugged their phones in to charge, and saw her husband’s missing.

Her heart dropped into her stomach.

_She really messed up this time…_

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how about that last episode? Did it make you cry? it made me cry. So this is going to be a little bit longer than I originally planned because I want to add in some more Gravity falls characters than I originally had. 
> 
> I mean what fun is discovering gravity falls through someone else's eyes if you don't get the whole tour right? 
> 
> Next Chapter has Stanford (the six-fingered one)! and I explain this world's take on the name swap (sorta because technically I don't really get to explain anything to you guys? I just trust you can figure it out)
> 
> Also Chutzpar and Jeff are humans for the same reason everyone else aren't. Curse you Fluvius!!!


	6. How Bad Could it Even Get?

Joe was terrified, well, obviously. That has become a more constant state of lately than he was necessary comfortable with, but he had chosen to fall in love with the human version of a malfunctioning Roomba and really following her into a dark and creepy woods wasn’t even the worst thing she’d dragged him into. At least he didn’t think it was before he’d taken the first two steps past the tree line. He knew better now. There couldn’t possibly be something worse than _this._

He had taken one step onto a protruding root with purple… _purple_ moss and it had immediately shot spores into his face, forcing him to step back onto a pale blue patch that shot even _more spores_ into his face. But those ones were freezing! Like he’d just walked into his own personal snow globe, except when he stumbled away from _that one_ he was blessed with red hot spores catching on his clothes and hair and was left tripping over even more rainbow-colored moss as they continued to assault him further and further into the trees.

Once he’d finally escaped and was able to stop and squint his eyes open, he noticed something red caught under his shoe. He initially panicked, thinking it more of the hell-moss, until he realized the texture was completely wrong. He picked it up and realized it wasn’t part of the woods at all, in fact, it was a pointy red hat. Like a gnome would wear.

He was about to shove it into his back pocket to show Kat later when he was caught off guard by a sharp clearing of someone’s throat directly behind him.

“I’ll, uh, be having that back now thanks”

“Wha-?” Joe started as he turned around to see a tall bearded man. A tall bearded man _surrounded by miniature version of himself._

“Get ‘im boys!”

He didn’t even have time to turn and run before he was completely swarmed by a mass of sheer teeth, claws, and red hats.

 

Kat was worried. She didn’t like worrying, that was Joe’s job!! He was supposed to be the one worrying!! Then again, that was likely why he was missing in the first place. Worrying about her and taking it upon himself to go after her… It was so out of character of him though. Usually he left the acting to the authorities, he knew better than to act like... like… well, like _her_!

She was pacing the floor of their small RV, thinning the carpet beneath her with the intensity and speed of her anxious footwork. She had to think of something to do that wouldn’t make him mad at her. At this point if she went back into the woods to look for him, he’d make it back out and _she’d_ be the one lost. But she couldn’t just leave him alone in the woods at night. She was the adventurer in their relationship, he was supposed to be the voice of reason!

 

Joe had survived the ambush, barely. He lost half his shirt and wouldn’t be surprised if there was a bitemark worth of hair missing from his scalp, but he wasn’t dead. But his worry for Kat had increased by about a thousand. What if she met the tiny army of bearded men?? Would they attack her? Drag her off? Try to make her their new queen?? _No._ That’s completely ridiculous, but he still worried.

He had been lost in thought when he tripped over yet another root and was fully on his way to falling straight into a small, clear stream before being caught in someone’s arms. A very, very strong someone. With very strong arms.

“Careful there, buddy, don’t want to fall into the Fluvius Cantatis there! The consequences could be catastrophic! We don’t fully know the full effects on infected individuals so I’ve been doing in depth research to try and attempt to formulate a possible cure based on my findings of-… wait, I don’t recognize you. Are you a tourist?”

Joe was now being stood back up on his own and being thoroughly examined by an older, handsome face. A very familiar one.

“s- uh, Mr. Stanford?” Joe whispered, wondering why the Man of Mystery would hide an attractive face like this with such heavy makeup every day. He didn’t even notice the man continue to talk in a voice that he was starting to realize was decidedly _not_ the gravelly tone of the man he remembered.

“I see you’ve met my brother! He’s quite the-“

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt Mr. uh. sir. Wait, did you say brother? He didn’t mention a brother at breakfast earlier. At least not one that lived in town.” Joe was stumbling through his words, this may not be Stanford, but he was equally intimidating in a less discernible way. Especially with how _strong_ Joe remembered him being when he had pulled him away from the stream.

The stream.

Joe looked around as the man answered his questions, talking about traveling the world, doing research for the town, the perfectly normal town that was in no way different from other towns. Have you visited? Of course not, there’s nothing interesting to see there, nothing at all. Not like the mystery shack, etc. Joe wasn’t really paying attention as he tried to re-locate the stream from earlier. They hadn’t moved, had they? Had the man secretly dragged him away, into a different part of the forest?

Who was this man. He claimed to be related to Stanford, but what was the likeliness of a family having that many sets of twins? Did it run in families? Was… was he doppelganger? That would certainly fit into the scheme of weird and terrifying things going on in this place. What kind of civilized person just walked through the woods??

 Joe took a deep breath, there was nothing weird about this guy. He was overreacting. The weirdest thing about him was the pendant hanging around his neck and is that a _gun on his belt?_ That’s uh normal? Maybe he’s a forest ranger? That could certainly explain why he was out here in the woods.

Wait, did he just refer to himself as Stanford? _No, he must have been talking about his brother_ , Joe thought to himself, _I_ _need to actually listen to this guy before judging him._

“And that’s why all of this is perfectly normal! In fact! It’s so normal you should be bored by now! I know I am! Let’s get you back to the shack!” He said, laying a hand on Joe’s shoulder. A six- fingered hand.

Nope.

Nope, nope, nopedy nope.

Joe booked away from Mr. creepy doppelganger as fast as his legs could take him, not even caring a proper amount about the moss he was stepping on. Maybe it would slow down his pursuer, having to deal with that could put a damper on any serial killer. Even creepy doppelganger ones!!

Joe took a deep breath and turned on his heel, looking behind him for his pursuer. He’d lost him. Small mercies in a much larger merciless world. What if Kat ran into him?!! She’s too trusting!! She would’ve just gone with him!!! She doesn’t realize that it’s always better to assume that someone wants to kill you, she never would have run as fast as she could in a random direction, getting deeper into an unknown wood, away from the one other person who might have known the way out, desperately tripping over branches and roots risking twitting her ankle and being unable to go further, making it more difficult for people to find her as she disappeared entirely from known civilization…

…

He wished his wife was there.

 

Kat had finally decided on a course of action. She thought at first that if she waited long enough her wonderful, amazing, scaredy-cat husband would make it back to her on his own. But he hadn’t. And she really didn’t like worrying. So, she went to the Mystery Shack, Mr. Mystery would know what to do! He caught all those mysterious creatures! Surely, he knows his way through the woods, and it’s not like they were all that dangerous, right? She got through just fine after all.

A wolf howled in the distance as Kat made her way to the Shack… maybe she should pick up the pace…

She didn’t even finish knocking when the door slammed open, revealing the Man of Mystery in all his costumed splendor. Huh, did he just like, sleep in it? Maybe he had trouble getting it off, was the zipper stuck?

“Whaddya want? Huh?” He snarled. Maybe he was grouchy cause he was trapped in that costume, it couldn’t be comfortable.

“Hey you! Listen when I talk won’tcha? If you don’t need something from me I will literally eat you. Well, I won’t, but I’ll think about it. Reeaaally think about it, like in detail.”

“You’re so cool” Kat whispered before collecting herself and remembering what she was doing here in the first place. “I uh, need your help? I, oh wow, now that I think about it isn’t this more of the police’s jurisdiction? It really is, isn’t it? I maybe should have called them first- “

“SPIT IT OUT LADY!”

“ah, right. My husband is missing” Stanford stood there, blinking slowly.

“missing as in has bad aim?” he snarked, seemingly nervous.

“Missing as I can’t find him and I think he went into the... uh… woods?” She winced, expecting the worst. Which she got. Loudly.

“SON OF A SLEEPING STONE-WITCH ARE YOU FLUVING ME RIGHT NOW??? WE TOLD YOU TO NOT DO ONE- well okay it was a couple of things- ONE THING AND YOU CAN’T EVEN MANAGE THAT???? IS COMMON SENSE SUCH A SCARCITY THAT YOU CAN’T AFFORD EVEN AN OUNCE OF IT FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR SUICIDAL SPOUSE?????!!!!!” Kat took in the increasingly colorful swears as he gestured her inside and grabbed the phone off the wall, without bothering to take a single breath.

“Listen Wendy. Yeah, I know it’s late do I sound like I don’t know what time it is?? I’m calling in a code 1-3. Yes, I mean a code 1-3, Mable hasn’t shot anyone with that grappling hook in months. Listen I wrote the codes I know what they are!! There’s a stranger in the woods- yeah, _those_ woods, I need you and Cipher- whaddya mean he’s _busy_? Preparing? For what?? It’s what? I thought that was next month! Whaddya mean it’s already Febuary?? Listen, I ain’t lookin for a debate, get Carcass-Carl if you have to I want him out of those woods!! Bye!” Kat was startled when Stanford slammed the phone onto the receiver, turning immediately towards her.

“ _You_ are staying right here where I can see ya” She nodded nervously as he toward above her. She made the right call, didn’t she?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, bet ya didn't expect this to come back! Ha! I'm warning you I lost the notes I had for this and have no fucking clue where I was going with this story. But uh, I guess I'm gonna try and finish it soon?


	7. The Best Way to Make an Unexpected Friend is an Unexpected Journey

He was horribly lost. Granted, he’s been lost ever since he stepped on personified purple pain a foot into the forest, but he’d had hope then. Hope he’d find his wife. Hope they’d make it back to the RV before anything horrible happened. Hope that his favorite pair of jeans would be in a single solitary piece as he exited the wood…

He didn’t have hope any more.

He didn’t even have a flashlight anymore. He’d dropped it in a nest of pixies. No, not pixies. Sorry, that’s ridiculous, pixies don’t exist, right? It was probably a nest of fireflies. Fireflies that sting and yell tiny high-pitched curse words…

He really missed his wife, at least he always felt like the sane one when she was there. Debating the existence of fantasy creatures was more fun when it wasn’t a constant back and forth in his own head. Granted, he’d be more skeptic with himself if bigfoot hadn’t literally stopped and asked him for directions to the hot springs. How would he know where the hot springs are? Why were there even hot springs here?? Joe didn’t know. Joe didn’t know anything.

Except that he heard voices. _Human voices._

 

Katherine was still sitting in the lobby of the Mystery Shack, Stanford was also there. He was watching her, except he hadn’t moved a single muscle in the past two hours. Not even to blink, which Kat thought was particularly impressive considering the solid grey contacts he was wearing for his (admittedly still impressive) costume. It was like he wasn’t even breathing!

But she _was_ bored. And worried. She assumed they’d get a search team looking for Joe and that she could go with them or something, anything, to give her something to do instead of sitting in an uncomfortable chair, squirming under the gaze of her childhood hero.

Of course, that’s assuming her _was_ glaring at her. And it certainly seemed like he was, except, he really hadn’t moved a muscle. Not even a twitch. Like a little one. He was as still as stone.

So, Kat got to thinking, that maybe… just maybe… he was asleep!

If he’s asleep she’s free to roam around the shop, right? At least until they found Joe. It couldn’t hurt anyone, what were they going to do if they caught her anyways? Charge her for the tour she gave herself? She’d budgeted for that anyways!!

Kat slowly got out of her chair, gracefully avoiding the parts of it that were prone to squeaking or creaking as she slowly made her way out of the room Stanford was in. He slumbered on.

 

Joe was excited at first, before remembering the last time he’d met someone in these woods. And these people were out even later than that creep was. But, maybe Kat was worried about him? She could have gotten a search party looking for him and everything, she was better at getting people to do things than he was.

Either way he snuck his way towards the voices, avoiding any moss or roots out of habit, whether they were brightly colored or not. He was thinking to himself how he’d gotten pretty adept at dealing with this forest when he felt something crawling on his arm.

At first, he thought it was going to be some new, terrifying but easily avoidable mystical being as he turned his head. But nope! It was just a spider. A pretty normal looking tarantula to be honest.

Joe screamed. A particularly high-pitched scream that in no way sounded even vaguely human by anyone’s standards as he contorted his body into a fast paced, twisting dance desperately trying to rid himself of the terrifying being. He was unsuccessful as the harder and faster he shook and twisted his body, the more intimate he and the spider became as it refused to release him. The poor thing clinging to him desperate to survive.

The voices continued to speak in the back ground as if his scream was not only normal but common enough that even a throwaway comment was unnecessary, but Joe wasn’t thinking much about that. He was dancing with his new spider friend.

The two of them continued this dance until Joe saw a flash of light reflecting from the ground and tripped over something he hadn’t tripped over yet. A crystal. A very big crystal that he couldn’t have possibly have tripped over, and that couldn’t possibly have been that size earlier because he would have definitely noticed it. Even with his spider friend distracting him.

Speaking of which, his spider friend was suddenly a lot less friendly, and a lot more massive. Joe prayed to whatever named deities he could think of at the time as the giant spider stepped closer towards him, its long furry legs moving in sync with each other as it came closer to him and the crystal he was now backed against.

Just as he was giving up, another bright flare caused him to snap his eyes shut, not like he wanted to see this anyways. However, after a minute or two of _not_ dying by enraged spider maiming he slowly cracked them open again. Except now there was no giant spider, just the smaller sleeve spider from before. Who in hindsight seemed a _lot_ friendlier. Joe chuckled, it was just a tarantula anyways, it’s not like it was poisonous, he thought to himself scooping the little fella up, unafraid. It’s not like the massive black widow over- wait.

Joe looked over towards the other spider, the creepy thin one with a solid black color and an ominous red hourglass seemingly counting down to his death. He took a moment to wish things would just like _not_ for a second. Imaging what life was like only that morning with pancakes and a beautiful if gray-hair inducing wife. Then he ran. Again.

 

Kat had spent the last hour looking at every bob and end in the entire shack. She even studied the scratched ideas, like the one-eyed-witch maker and the beheaded statue of the Man himself, coffin and burial rights included.

She was starting to get bored again. There was nothing left really, at least not in any obvious places. Granted, no one hides the good stuff in the obvious places, do they? She thought to herself as she slipped under the “Employee’s Only -AND NO BILL ALLOWED EITHER!!!” sign and made her way into the rest of the shack.

She noticed that this part was just as equally decrepit as the rest of the place, what dedication! Putting so much thought to keeping up the charade should customers like her take the initiative and make their way all the way back here!

She continued down the hall until she heard a muffled voice behind one of the doors. It wasn’t one she recognized either, so she slowly crept closer and put her ear up to the unnecessarily large keyhole.

“Nothing so far? Yes, we have the wife back here, Stanley’s keeping an eye on her right now!” Was he talking about her? He couldn’t have been, she didn’t know anyone named Stanley. At least not here in Oregon. 

“How are the preparations coming for- I see. We should be able to find him before it’s too late they seem to have miraculous luck! Did you know that Katherine made it all the way back without finding or witnessing anything? Lady Luck seems to be on these guys sides! Don’t give up! And Don’t give in! We’ll find him eventually!” He seemed to end whatever phone call he was making and Katherine stole away from the door. It’s one thing to get caught sneaking around, but eavesdropping? That’s just rude.

She made her way up the stairs next.

 

Joe had stopped running. It’s not like he had gotten very far in the first place, since after tripping over his first root keyed him into his situation rather quickly. It wasn’t the bugs that were growing… he had been shrunk. Quite a bit as well, considering the proportion in the ants crawling next to him. They were kinda cute at this size, or at least they would be if he wasn’t convinced they’d carry him off to be their queen’s next meal once they noticed him.

He still had his original spider friend held gently in his hands, he’d grown horribly attached and now he watched as it curled up on his palms, using his shadow to block the rising sun’s light so that it could sleep. He felt bad for getting the poor thing shrunk when size was really all it had going for it in the first place. But he needed to fix himself anyways so Spinni-mini could come along for the ride. If they survived.

They’d been wandering for a while now, not getting far, but keeping an eye out for any other crystals or other magic size changing artifacts that a man and his spider could find in the woods.

As they wandered the voices from earlier came back, and started getting louder. Like they were walking towards him. Wary of being stepped on, he hid under a particularly thick root with perfectly safe green moss as the voices became clearer.

“I am certain I a MAN was perfectly capable the entire time I helped her get out of the forest in a Manly way brother” Said a heavy, masculine voice overhead “She the woMAN was quite grateful as I a MAN was able to save her a Damsel in Distress- “

“I get it, you saved her in many a manly way. Thanks” said a much more familiar voice, “I was worried when I saw her out here alone. Are you sure you didn’t see her husband nearby? We can’t have them seeing too much before they leave.”

Joe looked out from under his root in an attempt to find out who exactly that was and why they sounded so familiar. Except upon looking he didn’t see two men casually strolling through the woods in the early morning hours like he’d almost expected, he saw a deer. And not just any deer, the boy deer from the mystery shack. Except he was walking. With his deer legs. Like an actual centaur- er deertaur? He wasn’t wearing a costume.

 And it was at this exact moment Joe, sharing a quick glance with Spinni, realized exactly what he and Kat had gotten into when they decided to spend their vacation in this town.

 And it was at this exact moment Joe, sharing a quick glance with Spinni, realized exactly what he and Kat had gotten into when they decided to spend their vacation in this town.


	8. I've Become Attached to a Fictional Spider of My Own Creation

“Who are you?” Kat asked the pale young man crouched outside the attic door, trying and failing to pick the lock.

“wh- Wha!!” he scrambled back, a thick southern twang colored his voiced. “Now don’ go scaring perfectly good people like that miss.” He took a moment to collect himself. “wait, you aren’t a Pines. How did you get in here?”

“I asked you that first” Kat shot back, not nearly as mindful of her volume as the boy.

“nu-uh, you asked li’l ole me who I was, a question I find quite insultin’ by the way. I asked _you_ how you got in” He said, putting his hands on his hips, his eyes going back to the door. There was clearly something he wanted on the other side of it, and if that was Mabel’s bedroom she didn’t want to know what he was looking to steal. Well, too bad for him.

“I knocked on the front door and Stanford let me in, me and my husband are visiting temporarily and we were invited to stay on the premises of the Mystery Shack. And you” Kat said quickly, allowing her voice to get louder in a confident bluff.

“I-uh. … I WASN’T HERE, YA HEAR ME?” the boy suddenly yelled and ran down the hall, jumping out the open window. Kat followed him to the window to check on him, to make sure the young man hadn’t hurt himself in his haste, but he wasn’t there. He must’ve really been in a hurry.

Kat noticed some bats flying around outside despite the early morning sun and took it upon herself to close the window lest they get in and pester the occupants. She was sure Mabel of all people wouldn’t appreciate a bat getting stuck in her long, beautiful hair.

Either way, she mused, that took care of that. And Katherine was once more free to explore the Shack until she got caught by the people that a _ctually_ lived there.

 

Joe was officially going mad. He’d finally crossed the line from looney to coo-coo for cocoa-puffs and he knew it for certain cause now he was hearing things. It had taken him nearly ten hours of wandering lost in the woods for the auditory hallucinations to begin. But here they finally were.

Joe had been hearing a rattling sound for almost two miles now. He had almost been convinced it was some kind of creepy stalker monster that wanted to wear his beautiful skin as a coat, but every time he turned around the forest was empty. No creepy bugs flying by his ear, no obnoxious birds vying for attention, nothing that could explain it. Not even a haunted floating maraca, cursed to follow him to his death bed. Nope, he was just going crazy.

And he’d honestly be relieved if he wasn’t the size of a dragonfly at the moment, effectively proving that on top of him being crazy on a personal level, the world around him had gone off the deep end as well. Full Alice in wonderland down to the shrinking to get through a keyhole, but, well, minus the keyhole. It’s really just the shrinking. And the other crazy things!!

Either way the noise was bothersome, though Spinni didn’t seem to mind. He was just chilling on Joe’s shoulder, giving the moral support Joe desperately needed. He felt the little spider moving to face the way they came from. He was likely trying to keep the sun out of his eyes as he napped. How had Joe ever found such adorable creatures scary before?

Joe was so distracted he didn’t notice how the rattling finally stopped. What he _did_ notice was the giant field of crystals they’d finally stumbled upon. He whooped loudly, causing Spinni to jump farther down his arm and away from his head.

He and Spinni did a little jig together before he realized something that stopped him rather cold in his tracks. These crystals _shrink things_ , that doesn’t mean they can grow them too.

 

Kat was bored again. She had to be more careful now that she could hear the mystery guy up and about. He’d left hi room about twenty minutes ago and she’s more or less been playing hide and seek with him since.

Fortunately, Stanford was still asleep in the other room and he didn’t seem inclined to intrude on what should have been the two of them, and Mabel was singing from an upstairs bathroom. So, she only had to deal with the one guy.

Right now, she was at the vending machine, fighting with it to accept and old wrinkled dollar bill so she could get some sugar or gum or something. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday’s breakfast after all, and she hadn’t slept either.

Her stomach was grumbling madly as she started pressing random buttons in an attempt to get it to work, or break, really whatever lead to her eating food was the preferred ending. She was mindlessly pressing buttons for almost an hour before something happened.

She heard a mechanical release sound and looked excitedly at the bottom of the machine, only to find it still empty. Maybe she could reach her arm up into the machine and grab one of the bottom “Mystery Shacks Snacks! _It’s a Mystery What’s Inside_!”. They looked practically mouthwatering at this point and she was willing to try anything.

Katherine got down on her hands and knees and reached into the vending machine, only to feel it swing towards her as she jostled it. WHAT?

Kat shot up, her curiosity newly peaked as she opened the _secret passage_ behind the Vending Machine!!! Holy three-eyed cow????!!! Talk about dedication!!! Honestly in hindsight what kind of Mystery Shack was _truly_ a _mystery_ without a Secret Passage!!!!

Kat eagerly slipped inside, softly closing the door behind her. She felt almost as giddy as when she and Joe first arrived at the quaint little town. Except, like, now she had _even more_ of a reason than just childhood nostalgia and the stories of her family.

She continued down the hall to the elevator, she did need a secret code, but certain buttons had a small buildup of clay on them that looked roughly like fingerprints, as if a particularly busy potter regularly went through here. Kat tried them in four different orders until the doors slid open and she made her way even further down the rabbit hole.

 

Joe refused to open his eyes. He and Spinni had stepped (Slowly and carefully by the way) into the crystal clearing until a flash of light caught them and he froze. He didn’t want to open his eyes. He didn’t want to find the grass had somehow gotten even taller or that he and Spinni were suddenly the size of amoebas. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He could feel Spinni knocking against his thumb, likely telling him to get over it you big baby, but he just… couldn’t. His luck has been too ridiculously bad since his wife decided to take them all the way to Oregon to visit some over-rated tourist trap.

He watched Ant-Man, he knows what happens if you get too small. It’s bad!

“Hey dude, are you just chilling there cause you’re, like, weird? Or are you scared of something”

The sheer surprise of hearing a human voice talking directly to him was enough for Joe’s traitorous eyes to snap open and for the rest of him to spin towards the sound.

It was a Zombie.

“You’re the dude, that like, everyone’s looking for, right? The tourist-whatever?”

Like a literal Zombie, with blue, rotting skin. And it was talking. Wait, does that make it a ghoul? What’s the difference between Zombies and Ghouls anyways?

“Holy shit dude. You take a few too many of something? Your pupils are blown hella wide…wait, you aren’t, like, scared, are you?”

Weren’t Zombies originally a voodoo thing? When did they become a disease thing? It was that one video game, right?

“Hey Wendy! I found him, but, uh, he seems kinda out of it?” The literal flesh-eating Zombie called out to Joe’s left.

Suddenly Joe’s peripheral was filled with red as Wendy walked up to them, in full costume. Right. Costume, that’s what’s going on.

“Aw cool! We found him! Thanks Robbie!” The Zombie- no wait- Robbie, shrugged halfheartedly.

“Not really hard, he’s just been standing here for like, ever.” He took a step towards Joe, holding out a hand in a friendly manner as if offering to help walk him home.

Joe ran.

Kat was in a secret bunker with some of the _coolest_ _things_ she’s literally _ever_ seen and she couldn’t even stay long! She’d already heard that one guy open the secret passage and was now hiding under a desk, hoping he’d leave soon. But he wasn’t. He was … studying. He had some kind of book open and was experimenting with all kinds of strange looking concoctions and… tap… water?

Whatever, scientists never really made sense to Kat anyways. What could be so interesting about tap water that someone would lock themselves in a secret room to study it?

The book looked cool though. It seemed to have intricate, detailed artworks of… well she couldn’t exactly see from under a desk, could she? But it was probably the attractions. Either way, she wanted him to _leave_.

“FORD!!!” a familiar, gravelly voice called out. Looks like he woke up. Whoops.

The man turned towards the door, was his name Ford? It must be weird having such a similar name to someone he seems to live with. Then again, Kat thought as she finally caught a glance at the mystery man’s face as he raced out of the room, they’re probably twins. Parent’s will do stuff like that sometimes.

She waited a couple of beats before getting out from under the desk and going to immediately grab the mysterious book. Step one completed. Now to find a way out.

Well, duh, there’s only one way out isn’t there, she mused to herself as she ran her fingers along the spine of “Journal 2”. A set huh.  Well there’s no time like the present to get out of here.

She left the way she came, only this time, when she came out of the secret room there were people waiting for her. Stanford, still in costume and looking awful for having slept in it, and Ford, a genuinely surprised expression on his face as if he hadn’t expected her to be right behind him.

“What the- “

Kat waved at them both, but wasted no time in making it out the door, they’d probably charge her like a thousand dollars for the journal, but she’d won it fair a square for figuring out all the hidden clues!! She just wanted to read it a bit, so she made her way back into the woods. Hey, maybe she’d find Joe before them too!


	9. A Lovey-Dovey Couple of Tourists on a Trip

 

The forest seems different this time when Kat entered. The sun was still in the sky and she had made her way towards one of the landmarks she’d previously visited, the crystal clearing. But she had trouble finding it again.

So, she decided to just sit and flip through her newly acquired book. It would be fun! She could learn more about the process behind the creation of the Mystery Shack Monsters and attractions! For instance, how could they make that talking head move around the way it did! It was bouncing all over the place earlier, she couldn’t even catch it in her Certified Gnome Catcher Net™!

She was just settling down when she heard a loud ruckus, like people yelling all at once to try and catch a dog or something. She was about to go towards the ruckus when she noticed it was already getting closer to her. Too close.

Suddenly, before Kat could even think about getting somewhere else, someone burst through the shrubbery next to her. A very handsome, if not disheveled, someone with dreamy chocolate eyes and a familiar screaming voice.

In seconds, Kat found herself on the ground with her wonderful husband flat on top of her. He seemed surprised to see her and his eyes started to water and his bottom lip began to quiver as he burrowed his face into the crook of her neck.

A soft, muffled voice came from him as he hugged her “I found you!! You’re okay! I’m so glad you’re okay” before he seemed to devolve completely into loud sobs.

She slowly picked herself up and pulled her husband into her arms, bridal style. He seemed really freaked. Maybe she should have just come for him immediately in the first place, the townspeople didn’t seem to be any good at search and rescue and a night in these woods certainly didn’t do the poor man any good.

She was patting his back and rocking him to try and get him to calm down enough to apologize properly to when she felt something crawling on her hand. A spider. A Big spider.

Kat dropped him and was halfway up the nearest tree before the first cognizant thought filtered through her mind and she looked down to find her poor spouse flat on his back with the spider crawling all over him.

“Joe! Darling! There’s a spider!!” She called down to him, causing him to look up at her. “You have to- uh I don’t know? Uh- get away from it somehow! It’ll kill you!”

To her surprise, Joe just kinda chuckled and dried his eyes before calling back up to her, “He’s a friend of mine! He’s not poisonous or anything! In fact, we’ve been through quite a l-lot t-together” His voice cracked and he went back to crying, seeming to take comfort in his furry little friend.

Katherine herself calmed down and jumped from her spot in the tree before getting a better look at her husband’s spider. It wasn’t so bad, well, as long as _she_ didn’t have to touch it or anything ridiculous like that! It could be like her husbands- uh – familiar! Yeah! They’d fit right in with this town at this point!

Just as she and Joe had both calmed down and were about to start telling each other their stories, Joe heard two very telling voices.

“Hey dude! Seriously we’re here to help can you like, stop running for just a minute?? We need to get you out of here!” It was the were wolf, and she seemed to have run in front of the slower and more shambling zombie.

Then from the other side, “Hey Chutzpar, are you sure she left? I could have sworn I heard her shouting from here”

It was the deertaur. They were coming from both sides, and that wasn’t the worst part, the worst part was the other voices coming from the third direction.

“I’m telling you Stan! She must have gone this way! And she had one of the Journals! The one I have with the Fluvius Cantatis notes too!”

It was the doppelganger, they needed to run.

Joe took his wife’s hand, checked on Spinni (he was just chilling on his sleeve again), and booked it in the one direction he couldn’t hear voices coming from.

Taking the lead.

Kat was exhausted, she and Joe had been running for nearly twenty minutes straight, she had no idea where he’d gotten that much stamina, or even that much adrenaline! But she didn’t want to say anything about it to him, she was just so happy he’d finally taken an interest in her adventuring! So, she went along with him, the muscles in her legs getting more and more sore as they got further into the woods.

At least that was the plan, but minutes after coming to that decision her legs completely betrayed her! She collapsed as her legs gave out and Joe turned around to catch her.

“He sorry darling,” she looked up at him, “I was never much of a track enthusiast”

Joe smiled softly, and shook his head. “It’s fine love, we’re almost there, I can give you a piggy back if you don’t mind sharing with Spinni”

Kat paled. Oh yeah, the spider. She nodded stiffly, and allowed her – very much amazing despite his new-found respect for the creepy and crawly- husband to lift her and wrap his arms around her sore thighs, hugging her securely to his back.

The spider crawled onto his shoulder, it looked up at her with its big black eyes and seemed to tilt its head. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad? Then it crawled onto her arm and it was, it was _so bad_.

Joe started a slow jog as she clung tighter, her eyes sealed shut, and they made their way to wherever it was they were going.

It was less than ten minutes later when he stopped and let her off his back. Katherine cracked open her eyes as he led her a bit further and she found herself taking a step into warm, refreshing water that had an almost immediate effect on her sore muscles.

He’d taken them to the Hot springs!! How romantic! Kat nearly found herself swooning as Joe sat next to her.

“how are your legs? Have you been safe? You weren’t in the forest this entire time, were you? Have you eaten? Have you slept?!” He started, his worry-wart side coming back out in full as they seemed to finally be safe.

“I’m fine darling, I haven’t really eaten, but I did have a few snacks at the Mystery Shack when I told them you were missing” She explained, “It doesn’t seem they were able to find you though.”

“Oh, they were able to find me alright” He said darkly, looking to Spinni on his sleeve.

“They did? But- “

“I ran. Listen Kat, they aren’t… normal. They aren’t _Human_ here.” He turned fully towards her, completely serious. “It’s all some kind of trap. Some sick, twisted trap. Do you wanna know how I know where this is? I followed _Bigfoot_ Kat. Bigfoot. This is a tourist trap in the most literal sense of the word.”

Kat was skeptical, her poor husband was always too ready to believe in stuff like that. She’s never seen anything that made her think of anything other than how wonderfully talented the Man of Mystery and his family is. So, she chuckled half-heartedly instead of responding.

“I’m serious Kat!” She chuckled a bit more, the water splashing as his arm movements got even more frantic and over-exaggerated “I can’t even begin to-! What’s that?”

He was pointing at the book she had held up to him during his rant.

“It’s a journal! It’s about the Shack and the cool things they make there! Exciting, right?!”

“I don’t think it’s about that.” Joe said, flipping through the journal. He read about quite a few of the things he’d encountered, and a lot more that he’d completely missed. Thank goodness, he had no idea how he would deal with a triangular dream demon, or a cycloptopus!  

“Huh, what’s in it then?” She asked, leaning to read the book with him.

“…doesn’t matter” he said closing the journal and handing it back to her “Promise me we leave tomorrow okay? Promise me, we go to sleep, and we wake up, and we go _home”_

Kat found herself nodding, unable to refuse him. A soft smile appeared on his face and he let his forehead fall against her shoulder. _Thank goodness_ , he thought.

The two of them eventually made their way to a cave that Joe had found earlier that was warmed by the proximity of the hot springs and it wasn’t long before the two of them were making a makeshift bed on the floor of the cave and snuggling together to sleep.

Kat felt content, she’d had quite the adventure these past few days, and soon she and her wonderful- newly adventurous- husband will be going home with the best Mystery Shack stories her family will have ever heard.

She smiled as she tucked herself closer to Joe and drifted off to sleep together with him.


	10. Let's Keep This Between Us

Kat slowly woke up, overheated by the vicinity of the hotsprings and the weight of her husband. He had apparently curled entirely around her during the night and resembled a human sleeping bag.

“Babe, darling, love of my life” she said, pushing at him with what little arm strength she had “please get off of me, _I’m dying_ ’

“Hmmm?” joe slowly cracked one of his eyes open.

“Bleh” Kat went limp, her tongue rolling out of her mouth as she fell fully back against the leaves of their makeshift bed “See? I’m dead”

“That is a darn shame darling. Looks like I’ll only need to make enough pancakes for myself tomorrow morning. Good thing too, since we’re almost out of blueberries” Joe said as he snuggled back against his wife, still groggy and willing to return to sleep.

“NOOOO!!! Get up! I want Pancakes!!” Kat suddenly yelled, destroying the quiet atmosphere and rolling the two of them over.

She climbed out of her husbands loosed embrace, accidently kneeing him in a few choice places. Joe grunted as she used him to get to her feet, taking a moment and getting up after her he said his first fully coherent thought of the morning.

“I’ll make you pancakes tomorrow darling, but first we need to get out of town. Okay?”

“Of course, honey. I don’t imagine cave pancakes will be that good any ways… well… unless-”

Joe cut her off “No. Just… No”

After bantering a little more the couple were able to get dressed in their previous clothing, though Joe dreaded the thought of putting his destroyed, mud covered shirt back on and wondered if he could have washed it in the hotsprings earlier and left it to dry in the warmth of the cave. Oh well, too late.

Joe felt a tickling sensation as he tried to put on his boot, and upon taking his foot back out noticed that was where his tiny friend had taken up residence in the night.

“Spinni!! So that’s where you went. Good morning old friend” he smiled as the spider crawled out and back to his usual position on Joe’s arm, curling up his legs and getting comfortable.

“Oh?” his wife turned to notice him, “is the spider still here? Did he not leave? I wonder if he’s eaten… If he’s going to be our pet we should probably feed him…” Kat trailed off, still visibly uncomfortable with her husband’s proximity to the large arachnid.

“He’s not a pet, he’s my friend” Joe corrected, using slow movements and trying to get his wife properly affiliated with Spinne. “But I do suppose we should feed him.”

“...I’ll-” Kat started, taking an ambitious step forward before chickening out and stepping away again. “Well uh.. I mean.. uh… I guess I could….”

“Would you like to try holding him?”

Kat nods, holding her hands out shakily to accept the spider. “And you can maybe get him food?” 

Joe chuckles, and takes a moment to admire the bravery of his wife. He moves with slow sure movements as not to frighten her and places his tiny friend into the hands of the woman he loves.

Kat froze as she felt eight tiny legs on the palm of her hand, she slowly opened her eyes as they failed to move and before long she was just standing there, staring at the spider in her hands. Joe left to find something to feed the little critter, so this was a perfect chance to try bonding without any judgment from her spider-loving husband.

She slowly lifted the spider closer so she could see just what Joe described as “cute” about him, but the second she moved the hands the spider took the initiative.

It jumped onto her face, causing her to scream, panicked, at the highest pitch she’d ever felt leave her throat. The tiny attacker was crawling through her hair, gripping tightly as she desperately shook her head, hands flying up to swat at him. He then made his way stealthily to the base of her skull, crawling its way down her neck along the spine. It’s light, barely there touches sending shivers down her spine as she continued her strange and desperate “Anti-Spider Dance”. This continued for many minutes, seemingly forever, as the spider crawled around, getting to know her more intimately than any spider had a right to and her desperately trying to shake him off before collapsing in exhaustion, her thighs still aching from the excursions of yesterday.

“You win… spider.” Kat said coldly, her back against the cave wall as the spider made its way to her sleeve. It sat there, smug, and tucked its legs under itself to get comfortable. Kat felt her fear of it drain away. This was no simple arachnid, this was a sassy little shit and she would have her revenge… one day.

“Kat, I found a couple things I guess?” Joe walked back in, before noticing his wife’s position against the wall, “Well don’t you look comfy?”

“Your spider friend tried to kill me”

“Of course,” he nodded, “Here Spinne, come eat”

Joe held out whatever it was he had collected in the eternity that was their spider dance, and Spinne immediately jumped up and ran towards him, gorging on the sustenance provided.

“Ready to go?”

“Yes, please.”

The two er three? The three of them made their way out of the cave and into the forest. The sun was high in the sky as they made their along the paths and trails Joe now knew quite intimately. It wasn’t long before they were back at their RV. And Kat immediately jumped into the driver’s seat, grabbing the keys from under the mat and turning them in the ignition.

The engine didn’t start, in fact it wouldn’t even click.

“...Babe?” Kat turned to her husband, worried for the first time.

“It must be them. They did this” He said, his heart rate increasing as he toed the line of another panic attack. How were they going to get out of this? They couldn’t trust a taxi. Did a bus come? With a human driver? Could they even trust them if it did?

“What’s up dogs?”

Kat and Joe both turned suddenly at the unfamiliar voice to see a man standing there. He seemed perfectly human, with a heavy build and a friendly smile. But Joe knew better than to trust that.

“Wh-who are you?” Joe whispered, his voice cracking.

“Oh uh, I’m just Soos. I’m like, you know, the handyman here. I can take a look under the hood if you’d like”

The couple both turned to each other, a silent conversation building in their eyes. Joe saw a spark in Kat’s eyes and made to shake his head, but it was too late.

“Yes. of course. We definitely trust you and don’t think you’re some kind of terrifying monster pretending to be human that wants to eat us.”

_Damn it._

“Ha ha that’s good cause I can’t eat _people_. Ha ha Nailed It!” the man laughed before jauntily wobbling over to the hood of their RV.

He opened it up and Joe couldn’t help but peak over his shoulder at what could be wrong. It was a mess. There were bits missing, wires pulled and twisted, the antifreeze was leaking out through a large puncture and oil covered have the inside of the hood. There even seemed to be pieces with bite marks taken out. _What tries to eat an engine_.

“Well it don’t look good doods.” Soos sighed. “They uh gotcha pretty good here. I’m gonna have to take you to the boss man since you can’t leave now.”

“WHAT?” Kat screeched, “Why would we _do_ that??!! So you can eat us _inside?_ ”

“Kat.” Joe pleaded with his eyes “Let’s just go for now… we don’t want them to be suspicious of us. They might still let us go if we don’t-” Joe said the rest with his expression, _they don’t know how much we know._

Kat felt her hackles rising, but followed her husbands lead. They probably couldn’t take him anyways, his size alone dwarfed the two of them.

They got into his golf cart and he took them down the road to town, parking outside of the diner they were at the other day. Something was wrong though, when before the town was empty and quiet, now it seemed to be full of people just going about their business. _Human_ people.

“What’s going on?” Kat whispered to Joe. He just shook his head,

“I have no idea, Spinni?” He looked towards his shoulder at the spider as it too shook its head. Kat glared at it, it was far too intelligent for a spider. Unless all spiders are this intelligent? Frankly, she just didn’t know nearly enough about spiders to be able to safely judge if he was or was not an anomaly.

They made their way inside the diner, it seemed to be bustling with people. Wendy was in the corner with a bunch of other people her age, chatting and didn’t even notice the newcomers. Dipper was sitting with his sister at a booth, another young woman, with bleached hair, sat next to her. The waitress from before was there too, though she seemed … less..

Joe looked at his wife... Probably better to not even think it.

The waitress led them to a table in the corner booth, Stan was there waiting for them.

"Ya gonna sit down or what?“ he snarked, sipping at his Pitt cola.

Kat nudged at him with her elbow. It seems the people around calmed her down. He likely sounded crazy in hindsight… but something still wasn’t right. Why wasn’t the diner like this last time they visited?

He sat down at Stan‘s impatient glare and Kat quickly followed after him, their thighs touching in the small booth.

"Your stuck here huh?“

Joe gulped, "yes sir“

"Prolly can’t leave for another couple‘a days too…“ he sighed and looked out over the other patrons.

There was an awkward silence at the table as no one responded right away. The tension rising higher until one could cut it with a knife… or a claw.

Stan looked pretty good out of costume. Joe would almost say he looked younger, except he still looked like a graying old man. He was wearing his usual suit and instead of seeming obtuse and ill-fitting like it did when he was a „gargoyle“, it fit him nicely and accentuated his broad and intimidating shoulders.

Joe gulped. He could use some water.

"SUSAN!“ Stan suddenly shouted over the noise of the diner. "Two waters for my guests“

The diner went silent. The waitress, Susan, went to the back to bring out the waters.

"Grunkle“ Mabel said from her table, "do you mean… tap water?“

"What the big deal it’s a special day right?“ Stan‘s glare caught her across the room and she seemed to duck further into the booth, squishing her blonde companion. What does drinking water have to do with what day it is?

Kat turned to Joe, „as long as we don’t have to eat here again. Am I Right?“ she grinned and Joe felt himself smiling back.

Kat was still Kat at least.

As they waited for the waitress, Joe took the time to properly look around, his hand holding his wife’s tightly. It was a holiday... and according to some of the patrons shirts and a single small banner in the corner it involved water too. 

It seemed to be the anniversary of some event, likely having to do with the towns water supply. Perhaps they’d had a drought and the new tap water line had combated that to save the town?

Joe looked at his wife again, she was playing with his hand and glancing occasionally up at Stan. He hadn’t taken his eyes off of them.

The waitress returned with two glasses of ice water balanced delicately on her tray.

Joe had never felt more thirsty.

Kat felt the dryness of her throat and wet her lips.

The glasses were placed in front of them.

 

"Why don’t you have a drink“

 


	11. All’s Well That Ends Well

Dear Mom (and the rest of you snoops, I know you’re reading this),

Me and Joe had a wonderful time in Gravity Falls and everything is just ~~feline~~ fine. You probably won’t ~~bell~~ believe me, but we’ve fallen so much in love with this cozy little town that we’ve decided it’s the purrfect place to settle! 

It’s just so quaint and friendly! And we’re really only a lick away. Joe has been dancing around town having so much ~~faun~~  fun! I’ll admit we had a few misgivings at first... but the people here really nipped them in the bud!

Just give us some time befur you visit, er actually, we’d rather you didn’t visit. At all. Ever. 

All my love!

-Kat    

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand that’s a wrap!! Thanks for going on this journey with me!


End file.
